Steve Jobs Imperfect Immortality

Steve Jobs AKA The Master

Many people have come to believe the lie that Steve Jobs passed away recently. LIES. Steve Jobs achieved immortality. He knew his time was up soon, so he put together a machine to give him immortality. He now lives in the game Soul Caliber V. Above is a picture of Steve Jobs AKA The Master. he has been undefeated since his debut in Soul Caliber V. Even though his opponents have magic powers and incredible physical abilities, he gave himself a few upgrades as well. His basic fighting style involves his ipod app which summons a lightsaber or fires lazers rapidly. But he also gave himself a few upgrades. Not only did he make himself the fastest most ranged and powerful character, his moves are unblockable and his critical strike is an instant 100% chance hit-kill. When he gets bored of slaughtering enemies he turns to his upgraded physical abilities and far superior intelligence to punch, kick, and smash his enemies to their feet. He is sure to win all the upcoming tournaments in this game as he is the only one smart enough or powerful enough to get into the game without requiring a player. In a recent  interview with the newly powered up and animated Steve Jobs he said that he had always dreamed of being the most powerful super god in a fighting game. The only regret he has is that he will most likely not be carries over into other installments of the game in the future, leading to a lonely eternity within the realm of Soul Caliber V.

Jack The Ripper

A new "Jack the Ripper" has surfaced in the UK. The name jack was written in blood on the downstairs wall of a butcher's shop. Over twenty pieces of choice meat were shredded and gnawed on. This terrible affront to the human race was committed in five butchers shops around the UK in just this last month. At every scenario the only clue left was "Jack" written in the blood of the ripped meat. But there is hope! The last attack on the butchers shop left a witness. The picture above is a sketch done by a professional veteran police sketch artist in accordance to the witness testimony. This person is apparently 10-12 feet tall, weighs between 750-1000 pounds, and has glowing green eyes. If you see this person do not be afraid, attack unarmed as one punch to the chest should be enough to take him down. If he does however manage to escape or kill you in the fight, feel free to then alert the police to his presence. 

$100 Billion

Apple reached 100 billion dollars in cash at the end of last year, an unprecedented amount of money. the nearest company is Microsoft floating around half of that amount. This led to the announcement Apple made stating that "it would at last return some of its cash pile to shareholders in the form of dividends and stock buybacks, at a cost of more than $10 billion a year for the next three years." In history such a move is usually done by large companies running out of technology and expansion, but this is not so with Apple. Apple continues to ""pump out" new technological hits, the perfect example being "late Monday, Apple said it had sold three million of its new iPads since they were introduced on Friday." Apple said it would pay a quarterly dividend of $2.65 a share beginning in its fiscal fourth quarter which starts July 1. Apple's board had authorized a $10 billion share buyback starting september 30th. Apple expects to spend about $45 billion over three years.This also opens doors for more investors as some could not or would not invest without a dividend being returned. In short, Apple is still growing like a new company.

Afghan Massacre

A veteran Army staff sergeant, a married father of two only recently deployed in Afghanistan, left his base to massacre at least 16 civilians, 9 of them children. He is 38 years old, has served 3 tours in in Iraq and was deployed in Afghanistan in December. He has served for eleven years. This decimation of defenseless people led to a "moment of unity to three major Afghan factions: civilians, insurgents and government officials." Villagers said aside from just killing them this man set fire to eleven bodies, four of them girls under the age of six. and at least five others were injured. He is to face charges under the military justice system and is currently suspended and in custody. The Afghan parliament stated, “We urge the United States government to punish the culprits and put them on trial in an open court so that the rest of those who want to shed our innocent people’s blood take a lesson from it.” Aside from just these horrible killings, five American soldiers were killed in the months of january and february.

Higgs Boson

All the physics models of today include the Higgs Boson. The Higgs Boson is supposedly responsible for endowing other elementary particles with mass. Don't ask me what that means. "The Higgs boson is the key piece of the Standard Model, an ambitious suite of equations that has ruled the universe of high-energy physics for the last few decades, explaining how three of the four fundamental forces of nature work." Basically, if this theoretical particle does not exist, scientists have to come up with a whole new set of theories for how the universe functions. The data which eludes to this particle are bumps in data collected from the most powerful accelerator around 124 and 126 billion electron volts, which are numbers favored by physicists. Announcements from two independant groups in december also agree with these results. The most powerful accelerator, the Tevatron, also shut down in september. Does it exist? I don't care ^^

Syrian Rebels Crushed, at Least for the Moment

The Syrian Army overwhelmed the main rebel stronghold in the city of Homs on Thursday. The rebels claimed it was a “tactical withdrawal”, which it definately was not. They had reportedly taken a "pounding by artillery, tank and sniper fire for nearly a month." This type of enemy would no doubt force the rebels into a "tactical retreat." The rebels claimed the retreat was because they were " unable to justify keeping thousands of civilians marooned under dire humanitarian conditions." The Syrian govenment does not have enough elite soldiers to supress all of the uprisings around the country, but they have been fighting one at a time. The Syrian force is now expected to go farther north in order to suppress other "hot spots."
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/02/world/middleeast/rebels-resisting-onslaught-in-syrian-city-activists-say.html?_r=1&hp

The last sixtyfour years have had armed fighting between Israelis and Palestinians. However, someone has finally come to the table with non-violent means of disagreement and protest. Khader Adnan who was held in a prison due to illeged affiliation with a violent group of palestinians went sixtysix days without eating, almost dying. and he stopped the hunger strike due to an agreement that he would be released as early as April 17th. His example is helping to unify palestinians and this example highlighted the power of peaceful protest. Over 300 Palestinians are currently being held in what's called “administrative detention.” Charges have not been brought against them because there is so called secret evidence and they will not get a trial in military court because it's secret evidence. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/22/opinion/peaceful-protest-can-free-palestine.html?_r=1&ref=opinion